I’m about to risk it all
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me