“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
You Might Also Like
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
i did the math
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing