Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.