A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
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4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.