“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.