This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms