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My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
lol
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
United Steaks of America
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen