Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Follow me for more recipes
We all have our pet causes.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*