Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Rather alarming headline…
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.