[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
You Might Also Like
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?