Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
this is literally a CIA plant
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.