Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Yup.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job