Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
This January has 47 Mondays
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.