Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me if I was a dog
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water