[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.