Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds