Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.