If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started