@WotDLuck: Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
@lisaxy424: 30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn't calling the number I dialed.
@arielleBigBlue: When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it's going to end badly for everyone.