No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
britain’s three elite institutions
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.