“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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Carpe DM
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.