“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
good for her
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.