‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
You Might Also Like
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?