‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
You Might Also Like
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious