Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.