Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]