Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
That earthquake could have been an email.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣