Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.