[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
blocked.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.