I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something