Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.