Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*