Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
hackers play passwordle
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Twitter remains undefeated
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.