[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?