Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
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*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.