Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Cat is stressing him out.