Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.