Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
early stone age tool
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song