Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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It do be feeling this way.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
He’s dead
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*