Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?