Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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Meeeee too!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Not today
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”