Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!