Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
and this one
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.