Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it