@abhorrent_wife: Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
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@ninjadinosaur1: My neighbour said I'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
@seandunn76: "Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women," I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
@TheHyyyype: CASHIER: what, no tip? ME: here's a tip: always wear a seat belt CASHIER: no, i meant money ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
@SteveSuckington: "There's approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today." -meteorologists