@abhorrent_wife: Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
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@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
@xosm: Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I'd rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
@BDGarp: Okay, you got me, I'm not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
@clyderun: At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.