@abhorrent_wife: Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
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@NoorShamma: Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don't work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
@DanMentos: “how was self-deprecating rap battle?” I don’t want to talk about it “come on what happened?” they saw my porsche "oh ouch"
@MotherJonestown: STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled "Beauty and the Beast" you shouldn't ask her which one is which.