Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
At Walmart during the holidays like..
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I’d … I’d rather not.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.