Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
opening twitter today
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Fidel Castro was alive?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good