Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.