@paperphotoyo: Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.
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@AbbyHasIssues: I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.
@Shen_the_Bird: her: did you bring protection? me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
@TheHyyyype: MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board? ME: no MT: i wasn't asking ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were