It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.