What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.