@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
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@Underchilde: Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby’s mouth when you couldn’t find a pacifier.
@SteveSuckington: [2 guys at open mic night] What are we gonna name our band? [from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO *they look at each other*
@animadvertguy: [Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?
@funderlaw: Wife is "not angry" that I ate her Pringles..... So, I'll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.