@seanforhire: i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i'm doing to be silent and pretend i'm not home.

@KKAlThani: Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.

@TheSnideOne: Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don't owe on any student loans.

@mewritesgood: I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister

@dafloydsta: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: No. DOCTOR: Are you at least active? ME: Also no.